One of my oldest and dearest friends is engaged! Her boyfriend asked her over a romantic dinner out Saturday evening and she WhatsApped me right away.

Naturally, I remained absolutely calm and didn’t immediately upon hearing the news entertain even the slightest, teensie weensie thought of planning that wedding or any aspect of it at all. Certainly I never considered helping her pick out her dress.

Maybe – out of curiosity – I might have taken a small peek at what the bridal couture trends are these days. Might incidentally have saved one or two images on my iPad. And, just to celebrate the happy event purely for my own enjoyment, I casually purchased a bridal magazine yesterday afternoon.

Okay, alright. My friend’s getting married and I am totally psyched and I want in on the action! Starting with the dress.

I told my buddy Simba that I was looking at dresses just in case my friend wanted to consult me on which dress might be right for her. Knowing me as he does, he immediately suggested the direction my conversation with my friend might take and between the two of us, we came up with this absolutely pressure-free monologue I would likely deliver to her, should she ask me to help her shop for bridal wear:

“Oh, did you want me to help you look at dresses? Well, I don’t know, buuut … I have compiled a list with cross references and categories. This is going to take awhile. So let’s put on a pot of coffee and begin. We shall start on page 1.

“On second thought, one pot of coffee might not be enough. I also took the liberty of compiling a list of designers with some suggested dress numbers and models to serve as a point of departure for the search for the perfect dress for you! No pressure.

“Now, please do not let your base instincts take over. We shall not be considering contemporary styles. They are included in volume 1 merely for comparison.

“Although we do, of course, want something different, something unique. You’ll see why you don’t want the dress you think you want once I’ve explained it to you. Oh. And there are footnotes. And endnotes. See?”

As it is, the issue is entirely moot because my friend has already picked out her dress. And by doing so, she has deftly avoided my extremely pushy interference. And by that, of course, I mean my wholly voluntary advice, free of pressure or obligations.